I have this theory.

It’s that deep down all any of us really want is: to be happy.

We want our families to be happy, we want our friends to be happy, we want strangers to be happy, heck we even want depressed people to just be happy!

Three years ago I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. I had the dream job I had worked my whole life for, my family was doing well, etc., I went to bed each night with a clear conscience, knowing I was a good person, doing good things, every day.

I was a little full of myself and totally unaware of the amount of self-denial I was in. I thought I was happy, because I didn’t know what true happiness felt like. I thought happiness came from things. Achieving things, becoming things, and possessing things (even people).

Three years later, I learned that true happiness for me, looked more like this: losing everything, starting over from scratch, getting a new heart and soul, surviving, suffering, and learning to enjoy life again.

I knew I wasn’t lying to myself anymore, because I wasn’t relying on myself anymore.

True happiness for me, meant finding a deep joy in Christ and trusting Him with my life, instead of resting on my own abilities.

I should have seen the signs coming. If I was at the height of my career, and had all my chit together, why was I sitting at my desk crying because I had a deep aching notion that this wasn’t where I was supposed to be? Why did I go out and buy a guitar? Thinking that maybe I’m supposed to learn how to play, and then God will use me in worship, and then I’ll feel ok? Why did I start acting out in ways I knew were dangerous and spiritually deadly? Was I seeking adventure, excitement or testing God?

My life was perfect, so why wasn’t it enough? Why was I trying to mess it up?

Fast forward six months later, after a disastrous decision to defy God and chase sin, left me alone and on the road to hell - I realized I had no idea what happiness was, or how to ever get it back. If you’re curious, you can find that story here.

But I tried, recklessly, with everything in me, to find happiness again. I chased dead ends, and suffered soul-crushing destruction in an attempt to regain my life.

These attempts to regain what I thought was happiness, just pushed me further down a dark hole where I found even more self-punishment and pain.

I was a mess and I knew it! I was a far cry from the person I thought I was or would ever be.

A few years later, I woke up from my nightmare.

I came back to God. I prayed, started going back to church, started trying to get my life back together the right way, the healthy way.

I left a job that wasn’t going anywhere and started trying to chase success again.

I was still wrong. I thought I had found a path that would lead me to happiness again, but I was sadly mistaken.

After a few weeks, I found myself more stressed out, depressed, uncertain, and insecure then I had ever been before.

I had made a mistake and I needed to fix it. So after a few short months, I got off that path and headed home.

I sat on my couch, unemployed, scared, and sad - for months. Blogging helped.

I started accepting my fate. I had made my bed and now I was going to have to lie in it. I tried to emotionally and mentally prepare myself to lose everything. again.

Then I started trusting God. I started praying: His will be done over mine, every day.

Slowly but surely, little miracles started happening. Slowly but surely, all the pieces of my life started to fall back into place again.

I found true happiness. I found joy in loving and worshipping God again.

I started doing really healthy and good things, to celebrate Christ resurrecting my life. I went back to school to pursue a dream that had been on my heart for ten years. I let go emotionally of past heartaches. I put boundaries up in current relationships to make sure I didn’t fall again, or cause others to. I started running, and I accepted a job that I may never have accepted in the past. It didn’t come with a fancy title or a fat salary. But that’s okay, because I’m trusting that God’s will is being done.

And now, I’m happy. And it’s one of the greatest gifts God has given me, and the greatest gift I can give to my family.

I don’t have it all figured out. My life isn’t perfect, but I’m proud of it. I’m proud of my new life-in-progress. Because I know, for the first time in my life - I didn’t get me here. So there’s nothing to be arrogant about again, nothing to deceive myself with again. This was all a gift from a Heavenly loving and forgiving Father.

A Father who wants to give His children good gifts and a life they can live to the fullest.

I just realized how funny it is that the word “genesis” is in the word epigenesis, and this is a blog where I write about faith and also happen to be a student studying psychology.

I’ve been studying this fascinating topic called epigenesis in my psychology class on human development.

Basically, the theory of epigenesis states that our DNA isn’t written in stone. That depending on our environments, we can actually alter how our genes are expressed.

Don’t worry I won’t go into any more detail than that and bore you to …..

After spending the last week researching this topic, a realization hit me this morning.

If our DNA isn’t written in stone and we have the power to change our genes based on our environments… that’s a HUGE reason to be excited and hopeful!!!

One thing I’ve noticed, is how funny it is that science conveniently leaves spiritually out of its studies and research.

I’m always trying to think of things through a God perspective and science is trying to get me to think of human development in the absence of God.

So, I want to take my thoughts one step further to say:

Wouldn’t it be something if God could speak to me on this topic. I wonder if He would say:

“So you found a reason to be hopeful huh, with epigenesis? Yea, that was me too, I made your genes rewritable. I’m glad you find that helpful or beneficial.”

To take things one step further, I think God gives us a whole lot more to be hopeful for than just the ability to rewrite our genes.

Yes, through scientific breakthroughs we may discover amazing miraculous things that blow our minds wide open.

But, it can never compare to the hope God wants to give us through his son, Jesus.

There is so much more to life than just “this” life. There’s an entire eternity out there waiting for us. Where not only are our genes rewritable, they’re friggin Resurrected!

I am constantly amazed by God’s power and provisions.

I don’t think I’ll ever cease to be amazed.

If you ever want to learn a lot about your own character and personal limits - care for someone who is clinically depressed and suffers from chronic pain.

You learn how much patience you really have.

You learn how gracious you really are.

How giving and selfless you really are.

Sometimes, I think we discover we don’t have these qualities in as much quantity as we thought we did.

I learned that lesson in one evening. Caring for someone, being there for them, being their support system, their rides to the hospital, etc; It starts to become less and less about their problems - problems that seem insurmountable and unfixable, and it starts to become an eye opening lesson about you.

When your grace and patience are pushed to the limits, all of a sudden you start to realize, you need help too.

I found myself thinking: Is my lack of grace or patience any less ugly than my friends depression and hopelessness, or is it even worse? Are we just two people on opposite ends of the grace scale? He feels he has no hope, so he needs the most grace - I feel full of hope, so it’s my duty to disperse it to him.

I only needed to spend one day, that spilled over into the early morning, to realize a few things about my ability to help someone in need.

I started asking myself questions like: How could anyone do this for a living? Dedicate their lives to caring for people with a debilitating emotional illness?

I love the saying “we are only strong for a little while to help those who are weak.”

At the height of my frustration last night, I just wanted to go back to my little blessed mess of a life, with my little problems and stresses, and troubles that I felt in control of or could handle.

I didn’t want to spend one more minute watching my friend spiral out of control into the arms of this unforgiving mental and emotional anguish.

And then I remembered - this is his life every day.

I get to go back to my life, with my momentary bouts of sadness, while he lives in a perpetual state of self hate and defeat.

So, when he called for the 5th time, I stopped thinking I could help him and just tried to encourage him.

I let him know I understood the trials he was facing and that he’s not alone.

I have prayed for this man for more years than I can remember. I have asked God to heal him and have no idea why He hasn’t. I’m tired, but I will never give up hope.

Every life is valuable, no matter how messed up it may seem from an outside perspective. Every life can be turned around. People can regain their emotional and spiritual health. People can relearn what it’s like to be healthy.

I have to believe this. If I stop believing this, I’m afraid I’m going to end up stuck in a cycle of never ending darkness just like my friend.

(photo credit josielila)